Shifting from ally to Ally

by | Sep 1, 2020 | 0 comments

  • Photographed by Samantha Waldron of Dutcher Photography for Our Lives magazine.
  • Photographed by Samantha Waldron of Dutcher Photography for Our Lives magazine.
  • Lisa with her partner, Angela Prestil. Photographed by Samantha Waldron of Dutcher Photography.

The Truth

Three truths and and a lie about me, Lisa Koenecke: (1) I was our high school mascot = the beaver; (2) Mint makes me sneeze; (3) My brother told me I was gay; (4) I am a best-selling author.

If you guessed the lie was # 3, you are correct. In fact, it was my sister—not my brother—who told me I was gay. Yep! 

In 1996, I was living with my sister and her husband in Virginia. During our annual Thanksgiving, I happened to mention that I couldn’t find a boy to date. My sister looked at me and said, “Well, duh, Lisa. It’s because you’re gay. Please pass the carrots.” I picked up the carrots, passed them to my sister, and started bawling. How could I be gay? I had no gay role models growing up. Sure, I played with tractors, footballs, and G.I. Joe. But did that make me gay? No! But, my sister was right.

Consequences of Coming Out

After college, I became a summer camp director at a YMCA camp in East Troy after serving there as a camp counselor. On a fateful Friday the 13th in 1997, I received a frantic phone call from my mother. She sobbed while she shared that my 6-month-old nephew had been killed by the family dog. I dropped everything to drive to Reedsburg to help. Arriving at my brother’s house, I saw evidence of the tragedy in the garage and offered to do whatever I could. My grieving brother looked at me and said, “There’s a vicious rumor going around.” I said, “What?” He said, “That you’re gay.” I said, “Yes, it’s true.” He said, “You are going to Hell. You are not welcome here.” There were other expletives exchanged as he blamed me for his son’s death. And then deafening silence. I have not spoken to my brother since that day. He prevented me from seeing my niece and nephew who were born in later years because of the horrible influence he said I’d have on them. This tragedy is why I became a school counselor. I wanted to be a safe adult for any kid out there, especially if they didn’t know it was okay to be themselves or if they had been ostracized by their family of origin.

Fast-forward to working as a school counselor in a local middle school after earning my master’s in school counseling at UW-Whitewater. One day, a seventh-grade student, assigned female at birth, came to visit me to impart some life-changing words. She said, “Ms. Koenecke, it’s easier pretending to be a boy than it is to be gay in this town.” Whoa! My masters program was excellent, but we never covered this! I felt like a fraud. Here I was, a 40 year-old, white, cisgender, woman of privilege, and I wasn’t even out to my students yet. How was I going to advocate for this student as their school counselor? I went home that night and realized I needed to shift from being a small “a” ally to a capital “A” Ally. I needed to become the role model that I never had when I was growing up, step into the forefront, and speak out rather than living in fear of repercussions. The next day, I came out to that student and promised to do what I could to support them. My TEDx talk shares more of this story. 

Family

When my mom died in 2014, my brother and father declared, “If you think you’re coming to your mother’s funeral, you’d better come alone.” They also announced the following decisions:  

My partner of 10 years, Angela, would not be listed in Mom’s obituary;  

Angela would not be allowed to come to the funeral home for the visitation; and,

Angela would not be allowed to attend the funeral, let alone be with me for the support I needed throughout this journey.

Not wanting to cause a scene, we complied. Thankfully, I have the best friends on the planet who surrounded Angela and involved her as much as we could while still allowing my mother to rest in peace. Now, on to some happier reading.

Awards, Leadership, Service

Throughout my life, I have been a school mascot, a homecoming queen, a camp director, and a school counselor. I have been the President of the Wisconsin School Counselor Association, served on the national board of directors for the American School Counselor Association and The National Speakers Association-Wisconsin Chapter. I have been Kohl Teacher of the Year, GSAFE Educator of the Year, and UW- LaCrosse Distinguished Alumni of the Year. I have presented in 25 states, keynoted five conferences, and have earned two certifications in Diversity, Equity and Inclusion (DEI). I am honored to be instructing the next generation of graduate level school counseling students at Lakeland University (Go Muskies!). Here’s the sad truth: I don’t share these accomplishments and accolades to brag. I’ve pursued them because of a feeling that I had to prove myself because I was gay. 

Writing my book, Be An Inclusion Ally: ABCs of LGBTQ+ helped me turn my energies into the positive act of saving lives in our community. I wrote it as a beginner’s guide into the world of LGBTQ+. Each chapter provides resources and personal stories to answer questions people might be afraid to ask. People are using the book for staff trainings and book clubs, and adding it to their professional resource libraries. Watch for it in a Little Free Library near you!

TEDx Talk, Author, Business Owner

If you’ve met me, you know I’m an extrovert. I love to hug, and you now know that mint makes me sneeze. In February of this year, I fulfilled a bucket list by giving a TEDx Talk called, “Allies Save Lives.” 

In my talk, I describe my journey growing up and coming out, and I provide three ways allies can also save lives. We can all show our allyship with outward signs of pride, shift mindsets and perceptions to stop hateful actions, and shape policies and procedures to be more inclusive.  

Let’s Connect

Through Lisa Koenecke, LLC, I am expanding my DEI business to include speaking and consulting in all 50 states, and also internationally. Please let me know how I might be able to help you on your journey! Go to lisakoenecke.com for more information.

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