I want you to know that you’re not helpless anymore, and you were never as helpless as you thought. Next year you are going to feel lost and confused. You’ll feel like life is over for you, but I want to tell you that isn’t the case.

The world is about to go into a lockdown. A few weeks into March, they give you a week off school, but that week turns into months, and then somehow you don’t go to school for a year. During that long period of isolation, you discover more about yourself, and you struggle with big emotions. You start feeling weird. You aren’t as comfortable with your long hair and the pink clothes your mother picks, or with the name we were assigned at birth. You start questioning who you want to be when you grow up, and all you have in mind is that you want to be a boy.

You always thought that was just a silly thing to want. And because you still like “girly” things like makeup, you think you are just confused. But after that, the thought of being a boy won’t leave your mind. You talk to your cousin, and she says you’re probably just a “Tomboy,” which is confusing. You keep trying to understand.

A month later you finally discover you are Transgender. You’re scared to tell your parents, so instead, you tell your best friend. You’re nervous, but they’re supportive.

By December of 2020, we’re all staying in our houses. Your parents act out their stress on you more. You get very lonely. Your head gets pretty dark. You have no one to talk to, so you bottle up your emotions. You start hurting yourself as a way to let them out. You start thinking of suicide a lot and even attempt it a few times.

When you go back to school in person again, you’re in fifth grade. Your stomach hurts every day on the way to school, or whenever it’s silent in a classroom, or whenever you have to talk. You panic when people stare at you. To deal with it, you start excusing yourself to the bathroom a lot.

Eventually, you want to talk to someone, so you see the school counselor. She gives you snacks, lets you draw, plays some games with you. You tell her about hurting yourself. You tell her about your identity. She refers to you with he/him pronouns.

One day, she asks if you’ve told your parents. You lie and say you did. The next week, she tells them herself.

That’s when everything changes. Your dad picks you up after school—something he never does. You walk to your mom’s car, and the vibes feel horribly off.

Then at home, they get mad at you for hurting yourself. They threaten to transfer you to a different school, to take away your devices, to put you in a camp program without a phone where you’d feel trapped and alone. Your mental health will get worse.

By sixth grade, all your teachers call you by your preferred name and pronouns, and you finally find a supportive friend group. But then that summer, you ghost everyone because you decide you are going to stop living. It’s your lowest point. You refuse any type of help.

But your best friend sticks by you. They are worth living for.

In seventh grade, you apologize to all your friends, which is hard to do. Some don’t forgive you immediately, but in the end, you regain the friendships you lost.

Your life slowly starts to improve. You hang out with friends more, and you even go to your first concert that August: Pierce The Veil. You still struggle with thoughts of suicide and hurting yourself, but you have also grown and gotten stronger mentally.

You try to come out to your mom a few times, but it never works, or she never really understands. She says you are too young to worry about stuff like that. She says you are “confused.” Somehow, she always brings religion into it.

Your Catholic family has never understood their own homophobia. You try to educate them more, but you also start fighting in other ways. You make posters in school. You write essays that bring awareness to what is happening in the LGBTQ+ community. Things get better.

It’s 2025 now, and to be honest, I’m terrified for our future and safety. But don’t worry, there are a lot of people fighting for our rights and against the un-rightful laws and bills.

Life improves a lot for you. You have more support. You’ve stopped hurting yourself. It’s a tough habit to break, but it is getting easier to resist the urge.

I wish that I could tell you this back when you needed it: Death is permanent, but your emotions are temporary. Don’t give up. Search for the people who will help and support you. Your life is worth living.

Sincerely, your future self (Elliot)