We don’t always start out brave. I didn’t. I remember feeling scared, nervous, and ashamed of who I was as a person, what I wanted to change, and what people saw me as. 

It started off when I was in fifth grade in elementary school where I just learned about what the term LGBTQ+ meant. I didn’t really think much of it at first because I had never met someone like that before, and it had never occurred to me that liking girls could be the same feeling as liking guys. I didn’t realize that I liked girls until I had a small crush on a friend of mine. She was funny. She was kind. She made me feel happy like I was standing on the beach with the glittery glow of the sun. I realized that I was attracted to the way people make me feel, regardless of gender.

I had fears like not being accepted as a person, being judged by people, and not being able to make friends because of who I am. I joined SAGA in middle school, a club for students that are gay, trans, bi, and so on. I told them that I was pan, and that gave me the confidence to tell my parents. I felt a little nervous to tell them because I didn’t know how they were going to react. They had a lot of questions, but they said that they would love me unconditionally. Not everyone has supportive parents, but mine are super supportive of LGBTQ+ people.

I liked being a part of the LGBTQ+ community, but for some reason, something still felt off. Even though I loved my name, it just didn’t feel right to me. Any time I would say or hear my name, “Sophie,” it didn’t sound like me. When I’m in my head thinking about it, it feels like standing in a forest that’s burned down, surrounded by ash and decay. With the help of my friends, I eventually found a name that suits me very well. “Sam.” A short, gender-neutral name is perfect for a person like me. “Sophie” was doubting herself and felt uncomfortable about it. “Sam” is still questioning, but she’s confident and comfortable. I do my best to tell everyone to use my new name, but not everyone does. 

When I think about my gender, I think that I can be both a girl and boy. Not only that, but I don’t feel any particular way about my gender. They call it Gender Apathy, but I am still reaching out to myself, trying to figure out the right words. 

But no matter what the words and labels end up being, I’ve learned that it’s ok to not know who you are. Learning about yourself can be a struggle, but life is full of twists and turns, trial and error, and ups and downs. But at the right time, you will find yourself. You are you, no matter what. 

This process has been full of fear and doubt, but somewhere along my journey, I learned I was brave. In some ways I think it was always there; I just didn’t know it. What motivates me to keep going is that life is full of mysteries and questions I have about myself, but I face them with people I love. I can expect some trial and error, but it’s nothing to be scared of. As long as I keep trying, there is nothing in my way to fear.